Tindell Baldwin »

Last night I had an epic break down, the kind that only come with true self-pity and ultimate “I feel sorry for myself” tears. I cried for what felt like hours because I had believed a series of lies that had stopped me from doing what God has called me to.

1. I believed that my writing was going nowhere and what I made of myself didn’t actually matter.
2. I believed that my new jobs in youth ministry were a great mistake and how dare I think I could influence kids.
3. Mostly I believed I had to have it all together to make a difference in his kingdom.

My sweet husband soothed my tears and reassured me that God had called me to these things and he wouldn’t call me to something just to see me fail. More than anything though as I cried I could hear my savior whisper,” you don’t have to have it all together.”

I don’t know when I started believing that working in ministry meant having life perfected but somewhere along the way satan convinced me that ministry means perfection and, I am far from perfect. At some point I told myself I must have no emotional baggage and no personal problems otherwise how could I ever impact kids? To know this isn’t true all I have to do is read the bible (which I have been slacking on). The bible is filled with people who have stories like mine, woman who couldn’t get it together and men that faltered often. I am among great company.

However we seem to forget this. Somewhere along the way satan convinced Christians that to be a Christian means to perform when Christ says to be a Christian means to accept Grace. I am in need of grace, daily, hourly, to cover my grotesque sins and giant gaps of personal failure. However, if I didn’t need it then I wouldn’t need Jesus and the whole basis for my faith would be shattered. I need grace, and praise Jesus that I do.

So today I am rejecting those lies by finally taking the time to post a blog and get back into the swing of things. Today I am celebrating Isaiah 61 1-7

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.

I still remember the first time I heard a preacher talk about sex; I was just coming out of my great rebellion and searching for a Jesus I could really get on board with. I was visiting my oldest brother at a youth camp he was leading and I loved the talks. We had fun snorkeling in the ocean, and in case you were wondering Destin does have a great variety of sea creatures. Each night I would sit with my sister in law in the back and watch proudly as my brother pointed thousands of kids to the Lord. When the speakers came on I would write furiously in my journal, anxious to learn about my new faith. In true church form fashion they had a “sex talk” on the last night of camp, nothing like a sex talk to get kids all confused and then sending them home to mom and dad.

It was a woman speaking and she got on stage and started talking about all the reasons why you shouldn’t have sex until marriage, the dos and don’ts kind of talk. I kept waiting to hear something for the kids who had already screwed up, something for most of the kids sitting in the crowded auditorium. There was nothing. I started to wonder, was God’s grace not enough for the kids who had already crossed that line? Are you telling me that God’s hand is mighty to save but oh wait not that mighty? I left feeling dejected and confused something I often felt in church. I couldn’t help but wonder how many girls were left feeling the same thing, how many told had themselves well I guess there is no hope for me?

I decided that night if I was ever lucky enough to talk to kids about sex then I would tell them what people often forget to say, God’s grace is enough and not only is it enough but it can wash you clean. If you have already been there and are wondering how you will ever be whole again then take heart, God can heal you. Sex is a different kind of sin, it’s much harder to heal from but that doesn’t mean that Jesus didn’t take it to the cross like everything else. If God knew that sex would be the one sin that could separate you from him then he would have found a way to rectify it. He would have never left the earth with that kind of outstanding debt. When Jesus was hanging on the cross the man next to him, a robber, asked him to remember him in heaven Jesus didn’t hesitate instead he said,

43 “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23:43

That is the God we serve, he didn’t ask questions, he didn’t need a list of sins, he knew the man had sinned, he was hanging on the cross next to him but instead Jesus assured him a place with him. We serve a God that big, he can forgive the sins of the world and Sexual sin is no different, just because you were covered in shame yesterday doesn’t mean you can’t be smothered in grace today. Walking away from sexual sin is no different than walking away from any other sin. It starts with grace followed by a decision. Its a choice you can make to preserve your heart for your husband. Even if you have already walked down the road God can make a cut through.

A year and half ago God woke me up and told me to start a blog. My first post was about my mom.

 

February 10, 2 010 

I don’t remember life before my mom was sick. I can remember her first episode, as we would come to call them, my dad took us Peidmont park near the hospital and gave us Mcdonalds to ease the pain of spending Saturday in the hospital. I was about six so all I cared about was the toy in the happy meal but it would take quite a few happy meals to get through my child hood and even more visits to the hospital. The doctors deemed her first visit as dehydration and told her to go home and rest, an oxymoron for a woman with four small children. She did her best but it seemed that every time she would start to get better something else would happen and her episodes would come back, Migraines that would last for days, fevers, chills, and extreme fatigue. My childhood was filled with memories of my mother in bed and I quickly appointed myself as her full time nurse. It was all I could do that would give either of us some relief. I had memorized the grocery store isles by the time I was seventeen from all my grocery visits and I had educated my self about health in every way possible. On the really bad days when she couldn’t get out of bed I would sit with her getting new ice packs every time one would get warm. I think I thought I could cure her with Ginger Ale and aspirin. The years flew by as they always do and she spent most of them going from doctor to doctor hoping for some answers. New symptoms would come up every few months and just when they would think they were close something would add up. Each doctor seemed to have a different theory of why she was sick and each doctor was left puzzled by inconclusive test. After a few years they told her she had chronic fatigue, which has no cure and no treatment.

 

It seemed she would have to spend her life in this condition. Frustration could have ruled my mothers life but if you know her you know that she has strength and grace that could only come from God. She chose to make the best of her life by investing every ounce of her into our family. She attended every soccer game, baseball game, track event, and concert that she could. When I reached my teenage years and began to rebel she did everything she could to show me how much she loved me, including coaching my high school rec league soccer team of fifteen crazy girls. My mom never gave up hope that answers would come and even after a dozen failed attempts at a healthy life she never gave up. We all managed to grow up happy and healthy with a mother who never put her self first. Life seemed to follow a familiar pattern for my brothers and I all the while she was at a standstill, hoping for answers. We grew up, left home, got engaged, married, and moved away.

 

While our lives seemed to be just starting my moms life work was coming to a close. It was at this point that she took a turn for the worse. Her good days were far and few in between and there were even a few trips to the hospital when her pain was too much to bear. I couldn’t be the nurse my mom needed anymore and I had to learn to trust that God was with her. She was prayed over countless times by our family and church members, we trusted God knew why he had brought her here. Of all the kids I struggled the most amidst my moms illness, I couldn’t face the fact that my God might have allowed this to happen. I couldn’t believe in his holy perfect plan and watch my mom suffer day to day. In the years after high school my mom had become my best friend and watching a friend hurt is harder than dealing with your own pain. Answers were coming though, just not the answers I wanted.

 

She finally had a test come back positive which lead the doctors to believe that she had a tumor on her adrenal glands and when they did a CT scan it showed a growth on her left adrenal gland. Years of hurting had finally been put to rest. My mom was overjoyed that she might be able to live the life she lost almost 21 years ago. The rest of us were hoping for different answers. Even though it is most likely not cancerous the idea of a tumor is never comforting. While her battle with health might come to a close she has learned something we ofter forget. Faithfulness. My mom had not wavered in her commitment to love God even on her greatest days of pain.

My mom lives out Romans 12:12

“Be Joyful in hope, Patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer”

 

Yesterday my mom finally had the surgery that will hopefully change her life. It turns out the tumors were on her parathyroid glands and the disease is called M.E.N 1. Its a rare genetic disorder that causes migraines, fevers, fatigue, and a range of other symptoms. Its been a long time coming but God has once again proven faithful and my mom will finally get the healing we have been praying for. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!

God Bless,

Tindell Baldwin

Let me start this by saying I try not to do post like this too often. I try to keep this blog centered around what God has done in my life and in the lives of others but today I just had to share this story…

We had to move again in houston, in 100 degree weather when there is a heat advisory and I have tendonitis in my foot from surgery. I’m instructed not to move heavy objects and last time I didn’t listen to my doctor and moved anyway is the reason I still have tendonitis today. So we decided to hire movers. We went on Craiglist (mistake number one) found a company that had good (made up) reviews and hired them to move our stuff into our temporary apartment.

So they arrived hand us a contract and start moving hurriedly around our house wrapping our large stuff up and throwing it in the truck. We didn’t think anything of the contract and being two trusting people we signed it and moved on. So we get our stuff in the truck and got to our new place. When we got to our new place the guy handed us a bill for 2000 and told us if we didnt pay then we would never see our stuff again. To make a long story short after we had signed the contract the guy had gone back to the truck and written in that we owed them 100.00 per large item. Since we had signed it we couldn’t call the police.

So we paid them. To get them out of our house and get our stuff back. After we paid them we were sitting upstairs fuming and I hear what sounds like a car pulling away, we run downstairs and find that they have put all of our stuff on the curb and driven off. Ben chased down the Uhaul and jumped on it before they could leave the apartment. He told them the truth, that what they were doing was wrong and that they should think long and hard about their lives. He was the bigger man and I was prouder than ever to be his wife.

So after 2000 dollars we still had to move everything ourselves.

To say I was upset would be a hellish understatement I was fuming. Not only had we been taken advantage of but these guys knew where we lived they knew how to get into our apartment and all I could think was what if they came back. Its not entirely rational but the feeling of fear crept so far inside of me I made Ben teach me how to use the shotgun later that day.

After it was all said and done we sat down together and prayed, it was the only thing we knew to do when the world comes at you full force. We prayed we wouldn’t harbor bitterness and we prayed that God would heal our hurt.

All this to say it was the first time someone who I hadn’t love had really hurt me. It was the first time I felt entirely helpless in this crazy world and it was the first time I had really struggled to forgive. Forgiving is easier when you are invested in the relationship but forgiving a stranger is understanding you will never be paid back for your hurt. I will never see this men again ( Lord willing) and I pray I don’t but more than anything I pray they change. I pray that other people don’t get hurt and I pray I would learn to truly forgive them.

I have spent my whole life learning and talking about grace but these are the moments that really test my faith. Do I really trust God enough to let him be the God of justice or will I take it on myself to bring justice? Today I choose to give grace but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

I spent my years as a rebellious teen trying to ruin the only relationships that really mattered. I walked away from God to live my life of “freedom” only to be shackled by sin and ruled by bad decisions and I made sure that my family was my last priority. I told myself that they were the ones holding me back from true happiness and if they would just let me stay out all night and drink even though I was seventeen I would be happy. I told myself that they were the problem.

I put myself first in every decision I made so one Tuesday when my mom was sick again and she asked me to pick up my little brother I didn’t think twice when I got drunk instead. I drove home smelling of vodka and forgot to pick up my brother. So my mom with her 102 fever and migraine had to get out of bed and go get him herself. These were the kind of things I spent my high school years doing. I had parties when they were out of town, I refused to tell them I loved them, and when my mom really needed me I was too drunk to help.

They never gave up though. They never stopped believing that I would come back around. My brother always told me that God was going to use me for great things. My dad took me on dates when I was grounded for months on end and my mom would meet me for lunch when I was having bad days.  Out of three brothers and two loving parents, no one gave up on me.

Then I found my savior at a Passion Conference my freshman year of college and knew I had some apologies to make. For the first time in years my soul felt free but I knew I had done a lot of wrong. I didn’t know how my family would find the strength to forgive me. There was so much to forgive.

When Christmas time rolled around we were all gathered around saying what we were thankful for and when it got to me I held my new bible that my parents had just given me and looked into the faces of the people that loved me most. I saw what we most often forget about family and I said the first thing that came to mind. With tears in my eyes I said, “I’m thankful for our family’s unconditional love.”  My dad stood first and gave me a bear hug as I cried and responded with what they had always believed, “you were easy to love.”

It wasn’t until I looked back that I realized what second chance I had been given. My family lived by grace and knew that unconditional love was what God had called us to. Even though I didn’t deserve one ounce of their grace they let it flow freely, and when I came back around they embraced me as part of the family that I had always tried to run from. Five years later we are all closer than I ever thought possible and I am still most thankful for their unconditional love and for a second chance.

When I was little my brothers and I had a game we would play with my dad on our family trampoline. I was, of course, the princess and my three brothers were the villans trying to capture me. I would sit in the middle of the trampoline while my dad circled around me knocking all my brothers away. We would play for hours, my brothers trying desperately to get through my dads barrier but he was always stronger (although now I bet that game would go much differently). I was never worried, I always knew that even though my brothers out numbered my dad they couldn’t beat his strength. If they would start to come too close all I had to do was call out to my dad and he would come to rescue the princess.

I imagine life isn’t a whole lot different. God is standing in front of me protecting me from the evil in this world with his strength. He may be out numbered but he can never be outsmarted or over come. All I have to do is call out his name and he will come running to my aid, just like my earthly father did when I was eight. He won’t leave me stranded to fight alone. He knows things will try to attack but with the power of his hand I will not fall. He places me, like a princess, in the middle of his binding love and tells the evil things in this world that I have a place at the foot of the cross. I have a place where nothing can harm me. I have a place in my fathers arms. I may not be eight anymore but the principle is still the same.

Exodus 14:14

The Lord will fight for you: you need only to be still.

I’m sitting at Starbucks waiting to meet the hiring manager in my best interview attire and all I can think about it what teens would want to read on my blog. From the start I know this job isn’t for me, I’m not even focused on getting it when its interview time but the practical side of me begs to look past my “calling” after all my calling hasn’t produced any job leads and this is the perfect opportunity. With this job I would have the 9-5 in the fancy office with the potential of working for my dad’s company and becoming a partner one day.

It’s the perfect situation and everything in me wants it work, except for my heart. My heart is telling me I was made for ministry.  However I shove that part of me away as I stand up to greet the cute sales woman who will decide my future. After ten minutes she answers my deepest fear. “I just can’t see you at this roll, you’d be much better at outside sales and working with people”.  Door shut. Case closed.

Haven’t we all been there at a door we so badly wanted begging God to open it. Maybe it’s a relationship that seems perfect or a job you just know you would be great at but for whatever reason he stands there and shakes his head. Hearing no is like nails on a chalkboard, you want to cover your ears and scream.

My prayer lately is that the right doors would be opened and the wrong doors would remain closed. It has been a way too fruitful of a prayer. The point is God’s no’s are always for our best interest and always because he has something better planned. They are hard to hear but the consequences of stepping outside of his will are much harder to recover from.  Trust me I know. I’ve been there.

So three days later after my failed interview I have lunch with a friend who knows of a church that is hiring and two hours later I have an interview for a youth ministry position working with teenagers and two days later I have a job exactly where God called me.

If you ever doubt God re read your own story. There is always times where he has proven faithful.

By: Kelsey Stanfill, a high senior and wise beyond her years. I asked Kelsey to write a post for me about something teens are facing and what she produced blew my mind. Don’t miss her post today!

As a high school student, I’ve seen a lot of people do a lot of crazy things. And though it appears that all they’re doing is being kids and having fun, I know that deep down all they want is to do is feel accepted. We all struggle with it. Whether it’s comparing ourselves to the pretty girl with the perfect bod, or trying to be the popular athletic boy who always seems to get it right. I’ve seen the need to feel loved and accepted push people over the edge.

I’ve watched so many girls I know go from being a sweet Jesus loving girls to girls who don’t think they are worthy of anything more than a booty call. They went from being a happy go lucky girl to someone who gets high before school just so they can numb the pain. The problem is that they believe the lie that they have gone too far to be forgiven, and from what I’ve seen, this is a trend. So many girls believe that what they have done is far beyond God’s ocean of Grace.

Not only have I seen my peers struggle, but I’ve struggled with feeling like I don’t belong too. I remember in 5th grade I was 5’7 and taller than most of my teachers. All of the boys were shorter than me so you can imagine why I never wanted to go to any of the school dances. Unfortunately I told myself I wasn’t good enough in everything I did, it didn’t stop at my height. I compared myself to almost every girl that I saw, believing I wasn’t pretty enough. When I played basketball I would base my self- worth on whatever my coach would say to me. At school I didn’t want to draw attention to myself because I felt like they wouldn’t like me if they really knew me. I told myself all kinds of lies.

In high school Satan’s main goal is to tell us that we’re not good enough and that God cannot forgive our dirty sins. He tells us that that we have to change the way we look, talk, act, and dress so we can be accepted and loved. We have different masks that we wear around different groups of people. The school mask, the dating mask, the family mask, the friends mask, and yes even the church mask. When someone says “just be yourself,” it seems like an easy thing to do but actually half of us don’t even know how to be ourselves because we’re told that being ourselves just doesn’t cut it.

God has shown me that what I believe about myself is a lie but who HE says I am is Truth. And He says I am loved, forgiven, alive, precious, beautiful, and His! I encourage you to forget about what you believe about yourself or who you think you have to be for a little bit and listen to who GOD says YOU are, because He does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. (I Samuel 16:7)

God tells the truth! The Enemy tells lies. Satan will try to keep you down and he’ll succeed unless you give your pain to God and let Him heal in the way only He can by taking your heart and making you whole. “And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.” (Revelation 21:3-4)