Sometimes you feel God calling you so loud it feels like a megaphone in your ear, you try to ignore it but somehow your thoughts go back to where you are supposed to go, who you are supposed to talk to, or something you are supposed to do. These times are few and far in between and a lot of times God takes you far away from your familiar surroundings so that you can hear him. I had many expectations for this part of my life, newly wed in a new city.I figured I’d find a job I loved, new friendships, and plenty of activities to fill my time. Three months into my life in Texas and I found I was more alone than ever, Ben worked all day and everything I had heard about the economy turned out to be true, finding a job was hard. I found a few good friends but I realized friendships after college were different, who knew that midnight doughnut runs would end after graduation. I found myself returning to the basics, talking to God instead of my constant companions and when the house was quiet I almost felt that I could hear him, I quickly looked up symptoms of paranoia and breathed a sign of relief when hearing God wasn’t one of them.
For a while I felt very purposeless here, alone all day, cleaning dog hair, and cooking meals. I keep begging God for answers, I wanted some great plan, I wanted to make a change but the tiny voice in my head said, “be faithful in the little”. I didn’t realize that I couldn’t be used for the big things until God could trust that I would be faithful in the things that seemed insignificant but meant the most. So I tried to , I served Ben when all else failed and found that he needed me and the greatest change I could make was in my own home. I started attending Beth Moore’s bible study at my church and actually learning what the bible had to say instead of what I hoped it said. I sat down in the morning and prayed that I would be obedient in whatever God wanted of me. I had only gotten to the point of surrender when I had left all of my distractions behind, I found God when put away all the things I hoped to define me, a job, friends, my family. Let’s be honest there isn’t a whole lot of respect for a twenty three year old housewife who substitute teaches but I found I didn’t really need it. I found the cliché to be true, I am most satisfied when I am most filled with God. It took moving 700 miles away from everything I knew and everyone I loved for me to learn that, but God knew it was worth the pain of loneliness. I am not down playing loneliness by any means I am just up-playing Gods amazing ability to fill your life. Beth Moore said in one of her studies “God alone is a hard place to get to but a great place to rest”. I can promise you there will come a time when God will ask you to give things up that you believe you have to have and I promise you whatever it is its worth it. My life was built around the community I had formed in Atlanta but when I found myself alone I realized I already had what I most desired, something to fill me.
Since being here I have heard God clearer than any crisp day in Atlanta, I decided this week to go to Africa with a group from Passion City church, I started a blog, and a found a job I unexpedidly loved. Each time was one of those moments you hear God so clear that you can’t ignore it. He told me to go, to write, to teach and because he had already stripped away everything I thought I needed in this life I had not problem being obedient.
We can only live differently when we realize that nothing in this world will fill us, not even the things that are good for us like family, friends, or a spouse. These things will greatly add to your life but they were never meant to fill it just add on to the joy God has already given you. I can promise you that the life I would have built for myself would have been good but it would have made God very small and that isn’t who he is. God wants to be the center of your world because he knows that is when we will be most satisfied. He doesn’t mind taking you through the woods to get you there and I promise that when you are crying out for companionship God is standing right beside you, stop looking down and focus you eyes on the one who gave his life. God alone, a hard place to get to but a great place to rest in. God alone is a destination, not a mind set that we attain, but rather a surrender that comes from discipline. I pray that your aren’t like me, I pray that you don’t have to run into the wall to find the door but if you are take hope, the destination far exceeds the pain of the journey.