Doctors always ask me when my insomnia started, when was the first time I remember not being able to sleep. I think for a minute and decide the better question was when was the last time I remember sleeping. When I was a baby my parents had to turn my door knob around to lock me in so I couldn’t wander the house at night. By elementary school I was so scared of the silent dark I would fall asleep with all the lights on and a book on tape running, preferably Romana because she was always getting into trouble like me. When things got really bad I would end up on my parents floor, feeling safer just knowing they were there. I think I spent most of my childhood sleeping on the floor. Its odd how fear can take over your life. The sun would start to set and the familiar fear and dread would creep up on me. My parents tried everything to calm my fears, logic and reason were out the window so after one business trip my dad brought me home a tiny light house. He told me God was in the top watching me as I sleep. He told me that as long as God was watching me while I slept then I would be safe. I wish I could say it worked but at the age of ten a tiny God in a metal figurine wasn’t all that comforting. However I put it on my dresser as a reminder that God is watching and am proud to say it still sits there today.
What i couldn’t grasp at ten resonates clearly in me today. I can rest, I can sleep, I don’t have to fear because my God is always watching me. While I am no longer (that) scared of the dark I have fears. Fears about my future, my family, my career, my health, my friendships, my marriage and if I am not careful it will overtake me. If I am not careful the fears can block out my God in the light house. He is still there though, just like the figurine i move with me from place to place he never leaves. No matter the season, the city, or the circumstance my God has remained with me.
Im sad to say that my insomnia hasn’t gotten any better, doctors blame it on a creative mind but the fear that used to clutch me when i was younger no longer has a hold on me. I know I could ditch the light house and God wouldn’t leave but I can’t help but look at it and remember these words.