I woke up this morning in the mood to shop. When life gets dark this is my little habit, for some reason the feeling of buying things make me temporarily happy (emphasis on temporary). When we first moved to Texas this became my way of dealing with the unhappiness and when life swings down, like it inevitably will, my shopping bug comes back. It’s just like any other bad habit, some people like cigarettes but I love Target. At the end of the day I had mindlessly wandered the aisles of target for an hour only to buy laundry detergent we needed. My habit might not cause cancer but it does marital spats. Wednesday night is bible study night so I made myself sit down to read Beth’s (like to say that like I know her) “So Long Insecurity.”
I’ll admit my to-do list was piling up in my head and I was reading quickly until I got to a part that made me stop in my tracks. It’s like her sweet face was coming out of the pages to talk to me and wow did I need it. As I read about her daughter’s mission trip to Calcutta my own trip to Uganda came back to my mind. Her prayer after her trip was, God don’t let me heal from these wounds. I realized it had been a quick five months since my trip and here I was consumed with what I could buy or more importantly what I “needed.” I was appalled with myself, how easily I forget that this life isn’t about me. Suddenly I can see it all again, the orphaned children in my arms not caring at all that they have one outfit. What’s more important is that God has taken care of them and they have a home.
I am so well taken care of. Clothes, food, family, and a husband that loves me (not in order of importance) yet this culture drives me towards myself and only a few months back in America and Africa’s mark has left my heart and in its place are dollar signs. Somewhere along these five months I have forgotten that God is the only thing that can heal my hurts.
For about four months my girlfriends and I have been learning about letting our insecurity go but today I feel like I just got it. I won’t be healed from my insecurities until I learn what is most important, serving others. I will be healed when I stop looking at the mirror and picking at my faults. Me, my, and I get me know where but serving others gets me closer to my savior.