For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 timothy 1:7
Thats the only thing I can tell myself today when I keep thinking about the dollar signs looming over this trip to Uganda. I wonder if you can have buyers remorse about going on a mission trip, probably not, at least its frowned upon. The more I worry about the details of this trip the more I know I am supposed to go. The trip is in September and the lease on Ben and I’s house ends on September 1st so there is a chance I will be moving into the orphanage. Also I have decided to get my teaching certificate which means I will need to find a school that is ok with me taking two weeks off to go overseas. The details seem to much to take in so I remember where I have been, what I have come through, and what a miracle it is that I am even going somewhere to serve someone besides me. Andy Stanley once said, to remember how faithful God is look back on his past faithfulness. I will be going on this trip with the same organization that brought me to Christ four years ago.
The passion conference was in Atlanta and I only went to hear my brother sing, he always believed in me so in return I was abundantly proud of what he did even if I didn’t have the same faith. While I was there I saw Beth Moore speak about the pain of a sinful life and getting out of the “pit”. I was in a pit, in and out of drugs and alcohol, relationship after broken relationship, I needed my feet to be placed on solid ground. I was searching, but I didn’t know what I was looking for. I wanted a new life but with all of my old habits, I didn’t want to let go of the parties or my deep desire to be loved. Somehow in a way that only God can he showed up and I found myself face to the ground praying he would release me from my old life, and he did. I left the conference full of a joy that I can’t even explain but dreading making changes in my life. I broke off the relationship I was in and prayed God would bring me Christian friends, and he did. I spent a few tearful nights apologizing to my family and found repairing the relationships were easier than I expected, they had the ability to love me unconditionally. He also placed me in a bible study and introduced me to my husband. Every step of my life since then has been me learning to be obedient and him greatly rewarding me. I don’t deserve anything I have in my life. I don’t deserve a loving husband or a family that never fails me. I don’t deserve to be free of my addictions or healthy but Gods faithfulness has never failed me. Even through the trials he has never left my side. I can always find him when I return to the place where he found me, face down on the ground needing a savior. Redeemer is my favorite term for God because I know what that looks like, I can look at the life I lived before Christ and see that he has redeemed me.
So no matter how worried I am about the details of this trip I know God will make a way because he always has before. I know he will open doors like only God can and reassure me once again that no matter what I go through God is always looking ahead and making a way.