Last night I had an epic break down, the kind that only come with true self-pity and ultimate “I feel sorry for myself” tears. I cried for what felt like hours because I had believed a series of lies that had stopped me from doing what God has called me to.
1. I believed that my writing was going nowhere and what I made of myself didn’t actually matter.
2. I believed that my new jobs in youth ministry were a great mistake and how dare I think I could influence kids.
3. Mostly I believed I had to have it all together to make a difference in his kingdom.
My sweet husband soothed my tears and reassured me that God had called me to these things and he wouldn’t call me to something just to see me fail. More than anything though as I cried I could hear my savior whisper,” you don’t have to have it all together.”
I don’t know when I started believing that working in ministry meant having life perfected but somewhere along the way satan convinced me that ministry means perfection and, I am far from perfect. At some point I told myself I must have no emotional baggage and no personal problems otherwise how could I ever impact kids? To know this isn’t true all I have to do is read the bible (which I have been slacking on). The bible is filled with people who have stories like mine, woman who couldn’t get it together and men that faltered often. I am among great company.
However we seem to forget this. Somewhere along the way satan convinced Christians that to be a Christian means to perform when Christ says to be a Christian means to accept Grace. I am in need of grace, daily, hourly, to cover my grotesque sins and giant gaps of personal failure. However, if I didn’t need it then I wouldn’t need Jesus and the whole basis for my faith would be shattered. I need grace, and praise Jesus that I do.
So today I am rejecting those lies by finally taking the time to post a blog and get back into the swing of things. Today I am celebrating Isaiah 61 1-7
The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.