Its been one of those weeks where I can feel my inadequacy so deeply than even a trip to the grocery store calls for prayer (and its only Tuesday). I text my friends, my family, and I just say please pray. They ask why and I tell them the grocery store is tearing my soul apart. Ok not really but you get the point, it’s been a weak week. It always seems that whenever I have anything writing related that needs to be done Claire gets struck with a bout of teething and/or some twenty four hour virus that will ruin your day and all current plans. I told Ben last night, I don’t want to blame everything on the guy with the red horns and tail (TV version of Satan has forever made an imprint) but can Satan cause a stomach bug in an 8 month old? My instinct is to say no, especially since she really enjoys chewing on the dog’s tail but then again I don’t want to rule out the power of the pitchfork.
All that to say before any interview, writing deadline, or anytime I try to sit down and hash out the thoughts that need to be jotted down life seems to go haywire, I used to fool myself into thinking I had this together but after calling in for reinforcements for the second time this month (AKA dad had to work from home so I could in fact follow through on commitments) I have lost the entire notion that “having it together” is even a thing. No matter what season I have been in high school, college, marriage, pregnancy, or motherhood I have failed. I can make a good show of it but at some point I always end up crying and begging God to step into the mess I have made and make me whole again.
I wonder how much easier life would be if I just recognized I needed him from the get go? I wonder if I stopped striving to make life look good and just accepted that I can do nothing apart from him if maybe I wouldn’t end up weeping in my daughters glider clutching one of her stuffed animals (never happened).
Let me go on the record in saying I have a great life, I am so thankful for all I have been given but great life or not if Jesus is not in my every days I am wrecking it. I miss opportunities, I am short when I need to be patient, and I try to solve the symptoms instead of the real issue.
My husband pointed out to me last night after a radio talk show I did that most parents who called wanted to fix the symptoms not the problem. The symptoms like gossip, judging others, drinking, drugs, etc, etc, etc. We all have symptoms, signs that show us that the condition of our heart isn’t up to Jesus standards and we can temporarily fix the symptoms or we can deal with the real issue. I can get more sleep, eat better, exercise a little more, take more time to relax or a slew of other suggestions that aren’t bad but my body isn’t currently the problem. I might be more rested but if I’m not breathing out truth and living in pure acceptance that I need Jesus… everyday, all day, then it doesn’t matter how rested I am. It doesn’t matter that I eat Brussels sprouts instead of oatmeal cookies I will still be impatient, unkind, selfish, and the list goes on.
Why? Because my flesh is strong when my spirit is weak and vice versa.
The verse in my devotional yesterday was
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore”
I want life. I want joy but only in his presence and his power can I find it.